God Saved Me From Suicide

   The Testimony of Pastor Freddie L Beard

Hello, Your about to read a real testimony of what The
Lord Jesus Christ can do for a soul that is in the worst of
shape. (If He done it for me, He will do it for you too!) You
see, the person writing this testimony is also the Pastor of the
church. My name is Freddie Beard I am a real life testimony of
what God can, and WILL do for ANYONE. I want to go a long
ways back, in the story of what God truly has done for me.
Not some concocted lie drummed up, I want to tell you the
truth.You see even though God blessed me with a mom, and
dad that taught me right from wrong. I had to choose for
myself which way I would go. I still like every other soul on
this planet, I was targeted to be killed, I mean dead. I am
talking about the enemy of our souls,SATAN. He hated me, as
he does all of Gods greatest creation, MANKIND! And Satan
knows what his end shall be so, his whole mission is to take as
many with him to the awful place of torment, “the lake of fire”.
He marked me especially young, I do not know for sure why;
other than the fact that my Great grand father The Late Rev.
John Wesley Brooks Duncan was a true man of God, and I feel
he prayed for his seed to be used, and blessed of God. I think
Satan especially targets the “children of Gods people”.
I from a very early age loved the anointing of God. I loved
to hear Holy Ghost preaching. That is where I first heard of
Evangelist Jimmy Swaggart. From the age as early as 4 or 5
years old, I loved to hear the anointed preaching that came out
of that mans mouth. It done something to me; It moved my
soul!Although I was not perfect, God called me from about the
age of 14 yrs. To PREACH HIS GOSPEL. Like so many other
people who God calls, I ran from it, going off to follow a life
of sin.I had some difficulties, as it regards fully indulging the
flesh. Because I am legally blind. I was born with a condition
that left something incomplete in the back of my eye, and so it
effected my vision, and I could not Drive so I had to have a lift
everywhere  I went. I did average in school, and I always
managed to have friends, but there was a side of me that I
I now know that it was Satan who had come and tried to make
me only see the reasons I should just kill myself (all lies from
hell), I felt that tendency for many years. It was stronger at
times that others.But in the process of time, I endured a lot of
ridicule, mockery, people would make fun of me and think I
couldn’t see them. I carried this in the back of my mind, but I
did not know that it was growing, (the hatred, and bitterness
toward my self). I know now that the teasing has made me a
better person.It has taught me that if people such as myself did
not make it through the suicidal lie, Nobody would hear that
someone else has made it out. You see Satan wants us all
DEAD. Not merely sick,  broke,  disgusted,  tormented,   poor,
weak,  lonely, weary. He wants us all dead, And he is very
crafty in his ways to go about killing, stealing, and destroying
I went along like this all of my early years, not trying to let it be
seen ( the heaviness of it all) I tried to hide it deep inside. I
finally ended up getting interested in girls and this seemed to
turn my affections off of my suicidal thoughts, and in the
process of it, I began to drink, It was an instant addiction.
Though I would have never admitted it back then. I loved how
booze made me feel. It seemed to help me to forget about the
feelings I had of myself. I was a different person, I was ten
feet tall and bullet proof, I thought.
I got married to a young girl in 1985, we had two beautiful
baby girls (Kimberly, and Jennifer), all the while I was getting
an ever more close relationship with the bottle. I was able to
work, but I was getting to where I could not run out of beer. I
kept this up until my health began to get bad. I had developed a
sugar condition, and my teeth began to get really bad, between
the two I was very sick all of the time. I got to where I didn’t
feel like doing nothing but I had to any way, I would go to
work and often have to go home because I was so sick. My
first wife and I seemed to get along OK, but It got to where I
felt God began dealing with my heart, telling me I needed to get
the girls in church, and give them the same opportunity to
serve The Lord, my mom, and dad had given me. I started
reading the Bible, The Lord began to show me all the events
taking place in the world. And how they were the Bible literally
unfolding right before me. I started seeking the Lord.And the
more I did the further I felt my wife and I drew apart.

I remember when the beginning of the end came to our house.
It was on our baby (Jenny’s) birthday, she was turning two.
We had went to Wal-mart to buy a cake, and I do not
remember what the fight was over. I only remember the
fighting, and screaming she and I did. We ended up at my
mom, and dads. The fight only grew, and in a matter of a few
minutes, she took my babies and left. We never reconciled after
that, She filed for a divorce, and I tried to get her to work it out
to no avail. In a few months we were divorced. My life went
up in smoke. I started drinking like never before.I would drink
so much I would wake up in strange places, not knowing how
I got there. I had even “borrowed” friends cars drove them
God only knows where , and somehow making it safely to
where I was going, and bringing me safely back. (WHAT A
an old friend, more like a brother to me. He and I began to pal
around. We had wild parties, and wild woman there. And yet
through it all I could not find anything that would satisfy me. I
felt like DEATH warmed over. My health steadily got worse as
my sugar got more out of control. Chemical imbalances caused
form the lack of nutrition, and sleep, compounded by the grief
I had, and was going through. Noone will ever convince me,
that a part of me did not die in that point in my life. I was like a
leaf on the wind. Drifting here and there. I steadily got worse.
Submerging myself in my then god, (rock-and-roll) I lived to
drink, and listen to my music. The music went  everywhere I
went. Not knowing that the voice of Satan himself was
breathing lies into my feeble soul. I would lay awake at night,
wishing I had the courage to just blow my brains out. And the
funny thing is through it all, my precious little girls would
constantly be on my mind. I loved them so much, I absolutely
couldn’t stand the thought of them being without their daddy.
When I got them on my weekends I would set and look at
them, and squeeze them. My heart would literally break when I
had to take them home. I would cry for hours and I would  feel
so empty, my life seemed all but over.When all of a sudden
from out of nowhere, God sent me the woman HE had picked
for me.It was on a hot, and humid  June night when a friend of
mine, and myself went to a dance hall. It was a place you
BYOB, BRING YOUR OWN BOOZE. I didn’t know it but He
was going there to meet a young lady, and the young lady had a
friend. James and I were sitting at the little table when His girl,
and her walked in. He grabbed his girl’s hand and started to
take off to the dance floor, when she said,”I can’t just leave
Rhonda alone”, and He said” OK Rhonda, this is Freddie,
Freddie this is Rhonda”and they took off. She and I started out
that night just talking, but the funny thing is The very first
question out of my mouth, was” DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD”?
She said she looked around and looked back at me and said;”
well this is not really the place to talking about God, But YES I
DO”! Well to make a long story, only a little longer. We have
been together ever since.


The first few months were really quite rocky, my feelings for
my ex still fresh, and my heart trying to move on. But through
it all I kept on drinking, actually getting worse. I would drink
every moment I could, I even took beer to bed with me,
because I would wake up sick and hung over. I would lay
awake hardly able to breathe, and sick from my head, to my
feet. My sugar really out of whack,
I weighed a whopping 134lbs, at 6ft tall. With a 27 inch waist.
Our relationship seemed at first to be one of convience, for me
anyway. I didn’t want to be with her, and I couldn’t be without
her. We would fight, and then make up again.We had moved in
together, in my house from my previous marriage. We were
trying to enjoy the error of our way, trying to “just get by”, but
the Lord began to convict us of our sins, “shacking up”, mom
and dad had taught me better then that. Her mom and dad had
her as well. We tossed up the idea of getting married, and I just
felt I could not commit to her right then, but we finally said
OK, if we aren’t going to get married, we would have to move
It was on December 15, 1993, we again began started talking
marriage. And I said, “I can’t, and Rhonda said” if you don’t
marry me today, I an mot going to do it”! So I went in the
house got SAUCED, and we went to the county courthouse,
and had the county judge do the honors.The months went by,
we talked of going to church, we even visited some, but no real
conversion experience had taken place.The drinking actually
got worse, I had gotten to the point, I was falling on the
ground and banging my head on it.  Suicide had began to grasp
it’s ugly tentacles around my soul. I thought about it a lot, I
even put a loaded pistol in my mouth a few times.


Well I guess I believe that old saying to some degree, for the
night God saved my soul, I was not sitting in side a church
house looking for religion. It was in the month of August 1994
I was setting patiently waiting in front of the TV for my wife to
go to sleep. You see I had planned my own death. I had
planned to go get my gun after everyone was asleep, and I was
finally going to do it. Not talk about it,   NOT THINK ABOUT
IT,   Not threaten to DO IT, I had plans to finally do it after all
of these years.  It was so strange that night, Rhonda never
slept in front of the TV, ON THE FLOOR, but that night she
laid in the floor, and I sat waiting to hear her sleeping good.
And finally it came, She was sound asleep. I retch up and
turned off the TV, and slowly started to get up to retrieve my
gun. I got to my feet when I heard this voice say”sit back
down, and turn the TV back on”.
I hesitantly sat down, I turned the TV back on, and slowly
made my way around the dial. When all of a sudden I came
across a preacher, BUT not just any preacher. This guy was
peddling vitamins, He wasn’t begging my money, He was telling
the world about a man named Jesus. When all of a sudden, it
was as if he was preaching only to me. He began calling out
my sins, my torments, my addictions, my suicidal thoughts, all
of my sicknesses. And He didn’t give me a list of things to do.
THAT ALCOHOL, FROM SUICIDE, and he went on down the
line naming my sins, and then he said , all you have to do is…
CALL ON JESUS!!! Don’t worry about being fancy, just call
on HIS NAME!!! Friend let me tell you. I said to myself What
have I got to lose. I said LORD, IF you will do for me what
that preacher said you will do, I WILL SERVE YOU , ALL OF
THE DAYS OF MY LIFE! And guess what happened, God put
a sleep on me, and I woke up forever changed by the power of
GOD. I woke up not craving BEER, I was craving THE
LORD. God Turned everything around for me. He restored all
of what Satan had stolen, and eaten, He brought me to
AGAIN), He healed my mind from all of those evil desires to
kill myself.
He brought me and my Wife another little girl “Summer” in
1998, and He has since given us love, like we have never
known, He gave us  joy, that simply can’t be found anywhere
else but from Him. And I to this day PRAISE HIM for ALL He
has, and ever is doing in me and my life. Some of you may be
saying, “Well what ever happened about your feelings for your
now wife. I FELL IN LOVE WITH HER, and she and I are
best friends, and WE LOVE EACH OTHER! PRAISE THE

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